Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top?

Sharpy · 23-12-2006, 11:53

Does this letter sound too overthe top?

good bad or indeiifernt please tell me!

cheers dan

Simon Male
Aberdeen Poll Dorset Stud

Dear Simon,
I would like to enquire a bout a position involving the showing and selling preparation of your Poll Dorset stud.

I am currently a student in yr 11 at Billabong High school, and have been part of our South Suffolk stud for the last 2.5 years. I have been to more than 25 shows in that short space in time. I have won numerous Judging and Parading ribbons and trophies.
I recently received the “Retallack Border Leicester Stud Award for Excellence in the Livestock Program” at our school presentation night 2006.

I am fully competent in all areas of show preparation from selecting stud sires, judging, trimming, breaking in, leading and ring craft. I am also competent in drenching, injections, hoof paring and similar animal husbandry operations.

I have recently been promoted to the Leadership role in the school stud; I oversee all sheep work operations and manage the day to day running of the flock.

I have not only worked for the school in the last 2 yrs. I have worked for Graham and Isabella Grinter of the Retallack Stud at shows, and also for Alan Dawson of the “Winyar” Merino Stud, as well as just showing sheep for Guy Evans of the Tara Park Merino stud, Charlie Merriman of the Merryville stud and Doug Mitchell of the Rene Poll Dorset Stud Culcairn.

Appart from showing, I have casual jobs with a few local farmers around Pleasant Hills such as Anthony Male, Ellis Jelbart, Rodney Selwood and Bob Jacobson.

If you have a postion available I can definitely help sell your stud rams at the shows and at your on property sale.

Yours sincerely

Daniel Sharp

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Billy · 23-12-2006, 12:17

How bout this:

Dear Simon,

I am writing this letter to you, as I am very interested in the position involving the showing and selling preparation of your Poll Dorset stud.

Currently I am a Year 11 Student at Billabong High School.

I have been part of our South Suffolk stud for the last 2.5 years. I have been to more than 25 shows in that short space in time and I have won numerous judging and parading prizes, which has included ribbons and trophies.

Recently I was very proud to have received the “Retallack Border Leicester Stud Award for Excellence in the Livestock Program” at our school presentation night 2006.

I am fully competent and confident in all areas of show preparation from selecting stud sires, judging, trimming, breaking in, leading and ring craft and I am also competent in drenching, injections, hoof paring and similar animal husbandry operations.

I have also recently been promoted to the Leadership role in the school stud and in that position I oversee all sheep work operations and manage the day to day running of the flock.

I have not only worked for the school in the last 2 yrs, but I have worked for numerous other studs which include as follows: Graham and Isabella Grinter of the Retallack Stud at shows, Alan Dawson of the “Winyar” Merino Stud, Guy Evans of the Tara Park Merino stud, Charlie Merriman of the Merryville stud and Doug Mitchell of the Rene Poll Dorset Stud Culcairn.

Apart from showing, I have held casual jobs with local farmers around Pleasant Hills such as Anthony Male, Ellis Jelbart, Rodney Selwood and Bob Jacobson.

If you have a position available I would be honoured to be able to help you in your stud rams sales at the local shows and also ar your on property sale.

Yours sincerely,

Daniel Sharp

Sharpy · 23-12-2006, 12:28

Thanks billy

Peta23 · 23-12-2006, 12:31

thats sounds pretty alright sharpy!!!
let us know how you go

Auctions

Rough n Ready · 23-12-2006, 12:49

good work billy!

Amy · 23-12-2006, 13:10

well done billy

Sharpy · 23-12-2006, 14:03

Thanks guys!

Im gunna try!

(what can i lose by applying?)

thanks billy for changing some stuff, it makes it much betterer to read, more appealing.

cheers dan, and ill keep yas posted

Billy · 23-12-2006, 14:39

No probs, your first attempt was pretty good, I just chopped and changed. Goodluck mate!

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Carrots · 23-12-2006, 16:03

Just check some of the grammer in it. Read it out loud to yourself and you'll soon pick out any problems. Reads really well. Good luck.

Random181 · 23-12-2006, 16:25

make sure you use full words, i still see a few 'yrs' in billys version. Apart from that, good shit- and good luck!

23-12-2006, 11:53	#1
Sharpy Status: Hardcore Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Alice Springs Posts: 1,940 Rep Power: 5	Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? Does this letter sound too overthe top? good bad or indeiifernt please tell me! cheers dan Simon Male Aberdeen Poll Dorset Stud Dear Simon, I would like to enquire a bout a position involving the showing and selling preparation of your Poll Dorset stud. I am currently a student in yr 11 at Billabong High school, and have been part of our South Suffolk stud for the last 2.5 years. I have been to more than 25 shows in that short space in time. I have won numerous Judging and Parading ribbons and trophies. I recently received the “Retallack Border Leicester Stud Award for Excellence in the Livestock Program” at our school presentation night 2006. I am fully competent in all areas of show preparation from selecting stud sires, judging, trimming, breaking in, leading and ring craft. I am also competent in drenching, injections, hoof paring and similar animal husbandry operations. I have recently been promoted to the Leadership role in the school stud; I oversee all sheep work operations and manage the day to day running of the flock. I have not only worked for the school in the last 2 yrs. I have worked for Graham and Isabella Grinter of the Retallack Stud at shows, and also for Alan Dawson of the “Winyar” Merino Stud, as well as just showing sheep for Guy Evans of the Tara Park Merino stud, Charlie Merriman of the Merryville stud and Doug Mitchell of the Rene Poll Dorset Stud Culcairn. Appart from showing, I have casual jobs with a few local farmers around Pleasant Hills such as Anthony Male, Ellis Jelbart, Rodney Selwood and Bob Jacobson. If you have a postion available I can definitely help sell your stud rams at the shows and at your on property sale. Yours sincerely Daniel Sharp __________________ SHARPY N DAVE UTECLUB MEMBERS WANTED Enquire within

23-12-2006, 12:17	#2
Billy Status: BeautUtes.com est. 2004 Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Dumbleyung! Posts: 8,186 Rep Power: 10	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? How bout this: Dear Simon, I am writing this letter to you, as I am very interested in the position involving the showing and selling preparation of your Poll Dorset stud. Currently I am a Year 11 Student at Billabong High School. I have been part of our South Suffolk stud for the last 2.5 years. I have been to more than 25 shows in that short space in time and I have won numerous judging and parading prizes, which has included ribbons and trophies. Recently I was very proud to have received the “Retallack Border Leicester Stud Award for Excellence in the Livestock Program” at our school presentation night 2006. I am fully competent and confident in all areas of show preparation from selecting stud sires, judging, trimming, breaking in, leading and ring craft and I am also competent in drenching, injections, hoof paring and similar animal husbandry operations. I have also recently been promoted to the Leadership role in the school stud and in that position I oversee all sheep work operations and manage the day to day running of the flock. I have not only worked for the school in the last 2 yrs, but I have worked for numerous other studs which include as follows: Graham and Isabella Grinter of the Retallack Stud at shows, Alan Dawson of the “Winyar” Merino Stud, Guy Evans of the Tara Park Merino stud, Charlie Merriman of the Merryville stud and Doug Mitchell of the Rene Poll Dorset Stud Culcairn. Apart from showing, I have held casual jobs with local farmers around Pleasant Hills such as Anthony Male, Ellis Jelbart, Rodney Selwood and Bob Jacobson. If you have a position available I would be honoured to be able to help you in your stud rams sales at the local shows and also ar your on property sale. Yours sincerely, Daniel Sharp __________________ Rural Classifieds \| Depression Forum \| Lost Treasure \| Rain Calendar \| Beaut Utes Last edited by Billy; 23-12-2006 at 12:20..

23-12-2006, 12:28	#3
Sharpy Status: Hardcore Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Alice Springs Posts: 1,940 Rep Power: 5	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? Thanks billy __________________ SHARPY N DAVE UTECLUB MEMBERS WANTED Enquire within

23-12-2006, 12:31	#4
Peta23 Status: Petey.. Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Cuballing Posts: 1,437 Rep Power: 0	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? thats sounds pretty alright sharpy!!! let us know how you go __________________ Shoulda Woulda Coulda

23-12-2006, 12:49	#5
Rough n Ready Status: uncouth Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: s.e qld Posts: 199 Rep Power: 5	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? good work billy! __________________ "SMOOTH AS HESSIAN UNDIES"

23-12-2006, 13:10	#6
Amy Status: Hardcore Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Moetown Posts: 1,620 Rep Power: 6	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? well done billy __________________ "Roll me in Rum and throw me to the Cowboys"

23-12-2006, 14:03	#7
Sharpy Status: Hardcore Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Alice Springs Posts: 1,940 Rep Power: 5	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? Thanks guys! Im gunna try! (what can i lose by applying?) thanks billy for changing some stuff, it makes it much betterer to read, more appealing. cheers dan, and ill keep yas posted __________________ SHARPY N DAVE UTECLUB MEMBERS WANTED Enquire within

23-12-2006, 14:39	#8
Billy Status: BeautUtes.com est. 2004 Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Dumbleyung! Posts: 8,186 Rep Power: 10	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? No probs, your first attempt was pretty good, I just chopped and changed. Goodluck mate! __________________ Rural Classifieds \| Depression Forum \| Lost Treasure \| Rain Calendar \| Beaut Utes

23-12-2006, 16:03	#9
Carrots Status: Try Me! Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: SA Posts: 1,093 Rep Power: 10	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? Just check some of the grammer in it. Read it out loud to yourself and you'll soon pick out any problems. Reads really well. Good luck. __________________ *"Road Hammer"*

23-12-2006, 16:25	#10
Random181 Status: September 2006 Best 4x4 Ute! Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Adelaide Posts: 1,206 Rep Power: 7	Re: Job Enquiry letter, does it sound to over the top? make sure you use full words, i still see a few 'yrs' in billys version. Apart from that, good shit- and good luck! __________________ Sellaxxar- Level 70 Undead Holy Priest- 1441 Unbuffed heals. Jubei'Thos - Cheese Addicts Anonymous (I know this means nothing to any of you but I'm proud).

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