bovine jokes

Billy_308 · 18-02-2006, 10:14

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time."

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2 Cows standing in a paddock. One cow says to the other "Are you worried about this Mad Cow diseases?". The other responds, "Nup, I'm a goat.".

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Little Johnny attended a stock auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from cow to cow, running his hands up and down the cow's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying cows, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum."

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Young John breaks down on the side of the road and gets out to give the engine a looksee. While he is looking at it a bit at a loss to know what to do he see's a brown cow and a white cow come over to the fence next to the road.

Suddenly the brown cow says to him..."You got dirt in the distributor mate, clean it out and you should be right"

John looks to see who said this and says to the cows...."Who said that?"

The brown cow says "I did mate and you better get the mechanic in town to check it out as well." John is very startled by this talking cow but does as the cow said and sure enough the cow was right. So he cleans up and gets going.

In the next town he goes to the mechanic and gets him to check it out. A bit embarrassed he tells mechanic about his breakdown experience and finally admits that the cow talked to him.

The mechanic looks at him and says.."I bet it was the brown cow who talked to you"

John is really surprised and says "Yes, how did you know that."

The mechanic says. "Oh it had to be the brown cow....the white cow knows bugger all about cars."

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Cowsense Economics...
A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "owner ship"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.

EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.

EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbours or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbour or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.

FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof?
A. Get down from there

Q. What did the cow say back to him?
A. Moooooooo!!!!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cows in a paddock. One cow says "Moooooooooooooo!!!!" and the other says "D'oh, I was gonna say that!".

---------------

Little Jonny was walking home from school when in the field next to him he saw a black bull humping a white cow. He ran home and shouted to his dad ’ Dad, Dad i just see a black bull F**king a white cow ’. His dad, after giving him a whack, said ’ dont use that kind of language in front of your mum and sister, say the black bull surprised the white cow.’ The next day, little Jonny came running in and shouted ’ Dad, Dad the black bull just surprised the white cow’. ’Thats better son’ said his dad. ’ Yeh, he walked past the white one and F**ked the brown one.’

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Q. What do you call a cow with no front legs?
A. Lean Beef

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
A. Ground beef

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A man is driving his car along a country road. He sees another car coming in the opposite direction. The driver has her window down and screams "PIGGGGG!!!!!" as she gets nearer. Clearly offended at this, he replies back "COWWWW!!!!!" and promptly runs into a pig.

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And now something for the little kiddies reading this forum:

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow
Interrupting C....
MOO!!!!!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go MOOOOOO!

BeautUtes

PaulyBoi · 18-02-2006, 13:35

Nice ones lol, love the ones about little johnny.

18-02-2006, 10:14	#1 (permalink)
Billy_308 Status: Exclusive Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Meredith Posts: 499 Rep Power: 4	bovine jokes A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,"This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. you could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow every time." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2 Cows standing in a paddock. One cow says to the other "Are you worried about this Mad Cow diseases?". The other responds, "Nup, I'm a goat.". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Little Johnny attended a stock auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from cow to cow, running his hands up and down the cow's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying cows, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy." Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mum." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Young John breaks down on the side of the road and gets out to give the engine a looksee. While he is looking at it a bit at a loss to know what to do he see's a brown cow and a white cow come over to the fence next to the road. Suddenly the brown cow says to him..."You got dirt in the distributor mate, clean it out and you should be right" John looks to see who said this and says to the cows...."Who said that?" The brown cow says "I did mate and you better get the mechanic in town to check it out as well." John is very startled by this talking cow but does as the cow said and sure enough the cow was right. So he cleans up and gets going. In the next town he goes to the mechanic and gets him to check it out. A bit embarrassed he tells mechanic about his breakdown experience and finally admits that the cow talked to him. The mechanic looks at him and says.."I bet it was the brown cow who talked to you" John is really surprised and says "Yes, how did you know that." The mechanic says. "Oh it had to be the brown cow....the white cow knows bugger all about cars." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cowsense Economics... A COWSMIC VIEW OF WORLD ORGANIZATION FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need. BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need. FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you. SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows. ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours kill you and take the cows. CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad. ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned. POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "owner ship"is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome! SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons. JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to. EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job. EASTERN EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbours or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbour or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price. FINNISH SOCIALISM: You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realize that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realizes that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Q. What did the farmer say when he saw a cow on his roof? A. Get down from there Q. What did the cow say back to him? A. Moooooooo!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two cows in a paddock. One cow says "Moooooooooooooo!!!!" and the other says "D'oh, I was gonna say that!". --------------- Little Jonny was walking home from school when in the field next to him he saw a black bull humping a white cow. He ran home and shouted to his dad ’ Dad, Dad i just see a black bull Fking a white cow ’. His dad, after giving him a whack, said ’ dont use that kind of language in front of your mum and sister, say the black bull surprised the white cow.’ The next day, little Jonny came running in and shouted ’ Dad, Dad the black bull just surprised the white cow’. ’Thats better son’ said his dad. ’ Yeh, he walked past the white one and Fked the brown one.’ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q. What do you call a cow with no front legs? A. Lean Beef Q. What do you call a cow with no legs at all? A. Ground beef ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man is driving his car along a country road. He sees another car coming in the opposite direction. The driver has her window down and screams "PIGGGGG!!!!!" as she gets nearer. Clearly offended at this, he replies back "COWWWW!!!!!" and promptly runs into a pig. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ And now something for the little kiddies reading this forum: Knock knock. Who's there? Interrupting Cow Interrupting C.... MOO!!!!! Knock knock. Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly. Cows go MOOOOOO! __________________

18-02-2006, 13:35	#2 (permalink)
PaulyBoi Status: 2006 December Best One Tonner Ute! Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Mildura Posts: 362 Rep Power: 3	Re: bovine jokes Nice ones lol, love the ones about little johnny.

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